Let's see if we can't do something right:

The past few days since the weekend have been the worst.
I realized that I have a highly unlikeable personality.
One of the best things to happen to me all year drives off, not to be back for 3 months.
I've gone from being a relaxed, carefree, and happy person, to being stressed, pessimistic, and just tired of everything.
And I still can't stop thinking about what left me behind - hopefully just for the moment.
Because I can't lose it forever.

The summer will come, and hopefully as I leave behind the high school bullshit forever, these parts of me that I could never love or accept or be content with will simply fall off the wagon...


But don't tell Dorian I don't like his ideas...


Oh, and one last thing:
road trip to Houston is on the way.
It's something I have to do.

I'm starting to find more peace in life, and in myself. I guess you could say I've had this whole "who I am hates who I've been" outlook on myself all this year, and to some extent it's true. I want to just take all the dumb, useless shit I did last year and forget all about it. But I can't do that - nobody can.
Unless you're Britney Spears.

At least things are calmer in my head now that I've stopped worrying about the past, and stressing over the future. I'm definitely more relaxed after this summer, and feel like I've matured immensely. And over this period of time, I've kinda realized that the future's not something I need to be scared of - I control my destiny, I control my decisions. There are factors that I can't control, sure; but from here on out, ultimately I will be the one who makes decisions that could potentially affect my life forever.

And because I've realized that I can't control my past, but my future lays ahead of me, untouched and opportunistic - I'm not afraid to move on anymore.
But I'm absolutely terrified of failure.

My brother dropped out of college. My sister became pregnant at 16 and dropped out of high school. They're both struggling to pay the bills each month.
I don't want that.
But it's hard to push forward when your parents are making you out to be their last hope -
but at the same time, asserting that you're not ready for college and the so called "real world."
I don't want to disappoint, but I just don't know how to prove to you that I'm not going to fuck things up like I usually do.

Do you ever get the feeling that you're destined for failure?
Because I feel that way every day.
Yet, I somehow think that this feeling is what's going to push me to do great things.
My whole life, I've had somebody there to tell me what I'm capable of, what I'm not capable of, and what I should do with my "intelligence." You're too fat to be social, you're too smart to be anything but outstanding, you're too needy to be modest.
I'm not what you want me to be!
I'm exactly what I want to be!



One more thing
I'm beginning to fall in love with art.
We're starting a project in Mr. Peavy's class that involves studying, and recreating the art of a famous modern artist.
Looking through the books he provided, my mind kept going back to the beauty of one painter, and one painting in particular.
Georges Seurat - the famous "dot" painter.
His use of dots was incredibly meticulous and looked like it might be impossible for me to recreate, but his art struck a chord in my heart every time I saw it. I couldn't deny my personal affinity to his works.
In this one painting in particular - The Seine at La Grande Jatte in the Spring - I saw beauty out of the chaos of his "dots."
And I saw freedom in nature - the implied movement of the canoe, the beauty of the light on the water and the greening grass.
There's nowhere I'd rather be than in the harmony and immensity of nature.
Absolute freedom.

i sometimes wonder if everybody feels as inadequate as i do all the time. it's like no matter what i do, i'll always be a few steps behind everyone else - a constant game of catch up. it kind of hurts to say this... but i can't see myself being successful beyond high school.

i'm starting to get tired of my own personality. repetitive, cocky, unaware of others, unoriginal, self-absorbed - all unsuccessfully masked by a dumb smile or a silly laugh. this inadequacy is all stemmed from my own horrid self-image, along with my envy of everyone else's abilities that far exceed my own.

i just can't shake this bad feeling... like i'm destined to have my hopes built up, only to be sent crashing down at the pinnacle of my overwhelming joy.
it's just how my life seems to work.